you

We meet again, today, after two months.

You didn't change much. Still tall and handsome, with that familiar smirk plastered on your face. Two months ago, I did not expect that this will happen. Leaving wasn't easy. It never was. Especially leaving a group of friends whom I love as much as my own siblings, and you, a guy I have been catching feelings for, since January last year.

You were wearing that blue baju Melayu, the one you always wore. I did not catch your eye today, like I usually did, but this time it did not matter. Seeing you in front of me, living, talking, smiling, is more than enough. I miss you more than words could express, but alas, there is no one to blame but me.

I wanted to take a photo with you, just the two of us, knowing that the next time we meet, everything would probably be very different. But I denied myself that opportunity, reminding myself that if I do that, I'd spill the beans on myself. Instead we took class selfies together, and you stood beside me, smiling to the camera. It was such a beautiful feeling, having you around, though only for minutes.

My friends told me that you might have known that I like you, but you chose to keep your silence. Is that true? Because I thought you didn't. I honestly thought that you did not know about my feelings for you. Because I am pretty sure I treated you the same way I treated the other guys. I scolded you, shouted at you at times, didn't I? But did you really realize that despite all that, I do like you more than anything?

I like you, I really do. I'd love to tell you, but I know I shouldn't.

Classmates.

Classmates. Aku rindu. Sumpah aku rindu.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw a video posted by a fellow ex-schoolmate of mine. In that video was my two ex-classmates, dancing (more like practicing) dance moves from the song "Best Song Ever" by 1D. One of them spoke halfway through the video, and pain hits me in the chest like it has never did. I did not realize how much I missed them, till now. I did not realize how much I want to be there instead of being here, till now. The juniors are going to register tomorrow and they're making preparations for them. And I'm stuck here. Alone.

I feel empty, incomplete. I miss them a lot. School started a week ago and not a day goes by that I don't wish to be there instead of here. I kept wondering why did I leave. I kept thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I don't know what to feel. My current classmates are wonderful enough except for one or two people, but my previous ones feel like siblings. I don't know, man. I still remember those nights we stayed up late finishing tasks; those nights felt like yesterday and now here I am, miles away from them. I left them; the people who stuck with me throughout so many things just last year. I don't know. I'm probably just stupid. And selfish.

A close friend of mine lost her dad just a few days ago. Her dad has been sick for ages, and he was hospitalized since last December. It was so unexpected. She's still so young, and she's the eldest. And at that very moment I am miles away from her, miles and miles away, and I couldn't be there for her. I feel so useless, so wasted. She's my friend, she'll always be one. She's always so hyper and active and enthusiastic and anxious....hahaha. I miss her. I miss them. I miss everyone.