Source of Inspiration

"sumber inspirasi"

Hahahahahahhahhaha. gediknya frasa.

beberapa ketika yang lalu, aku jumpa seorang insan ni. ye, insan. Islam, Alhamdulillah. ye, lain jantina. saya straight ok, harap maklum. hahaha. ok. dia ni takla hensem mana tapi macam hm entahla seolah-olah dia ada daya tarikan (ala macam Van der Waal forces tu eh oops fizik pulak heheh) yang tersendiri. kalau nak ikutkan, kawan dia lagi handsome hahahaha tapi entahla aku macam berkenan kat dia. hm. dia nampak macam a true 17-year-old la, the kind of guy yang my seniors used to be when they were 17, tak macam budak batch aku yang mostly still look very childish although dah 17 (eh no offense ok) :> tinggi. agak peramah la kot tetapi oleh sebab kesombongan dan kependiaman aku pada kala itu menyebabkan aku terlepas peluang untuk mengenalinya dengan lebih lanjut. but he talked to me first, that day. dia tegur. tanya nama. negeri. eh ke dia dah tahu nama aku masa tu and dia tanya negeri je. entahlaaa. hahahahahaha. tu je la kot, among the times i actually spoke to him.

then yelah lepas program tu aku pun pegi la search ig dia, twitter dia. dan dengan rasa tidak malunya aku pun menekan butang follow. mesti dia pelik kan. mana tah datang budak ni. eh tapi salah dia jugakla. siapa suruh tak privatekan instagram. kan dah kena follow. hahahhahahaah. pastu dia pun follow balik.  ok excited la. jugak. kinda.  tapi yelah kalau dah orang follow kita mestilah kita nak follow balik kan. soooo hmm agaknya sebab tu la kot dia follow back. hahahaha. lepastu tetiba that one day macam terdetik hati nak check facebook. oh sebab lama tak dapat notification. rupanya my cousin ke my adik guna facebook that day and log out, leaving my account not logged in lah. that's why takde notification. i casually check la notis kan, then ada friend request. at first nak ignore je tapi entah macam mana bukak jugak. and guess who?.................hahahahahahahahaha yep! that guy. masa tu i was with my cousins and i literally screamed tau i was like oh my goodness it's him hahahhahahahha kelakar sungguh masa tu. and my cousins were like weh kenapa siapa yeeeerrrr ni mesti crush ni kan aku pun macam omaigod pls la aku ni setakat sekali dua je berborak dengan dia how can i have a crush on him? but pada saat itulah aku pun macam terfikir, eh aku ni suka kat dia ke? hahahahha. nak dijadikan cerita, selepas insiden itu aku pun approve la friend request dia. pastu aku tweet "literally screamed *emoji malu*" pastu I put away my phone sebab tengah charging. an hour later, i checked my phone and scrolled down my twitter timeline and GUESS WHAT 20 MINUTES AFTER I TWEETED THAT HE ACTUALLY TWEETED SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR TO WHAT I JUST TWEETED AND I WAS LIKE O-KAYYYYYYYYYYY ADAKAH INI SURATAN ATAU KEBETULAN? ceh hahahhahhahahhahahha ok excited gila la masa tu ya Allahhhhh hahahhaha ok ok ok

oh and pasal sumber inspirasi tu. yelah dah aku follow ig & twitter dia & friends dalam fb memang setiap kali dia post memang keluar la kat feed aku. and dari situlah aku tahu he's a debater. a gempak one la i think sebab his team won something in a tournament. oh and then he is such a positive person, aku baca tweet dia, the photos he shared and posted on instagram i was like bapak ah budak ni positive gila i mean you don't get to meet people like this everywhere. Which is why, he is somehow some kind of an inspiration for me. I want to be like him. As motivated as him. He has his goals and I have mine. The only difference is that he actually works for it, and I am still procrastinating. I really want to be someone like him. Inspirational, diligent, opinionated and fun at the same time.

Doakan aku. In Shaa Allah Allah balas jasa kalian doakan aku.
Jazakillahu khairan kathiran.

why does the heart gets the blame
when it's really the mind that decides?

we didn't talk much
yet that one time we did
the very first time
i fell for those eyes
and the playful smile on your lips

i didn't speak much
it was a mere get-to-know session
a very unplanned conversation
as we walked towards the hall
where our anxiety will finally be calmed

you won
and i believe that you deserved it
the smile plastered on your face
the joy on your squad's faces
you made them proud

i should have congratulated you
perhaps i did
but i forgot

it's been weeks
and i still think of you
though we never speak anymore
since that special day

we'll meet again
i'm sure of that.

maaf

maaf
mudahnya diungkap
tak semudah itu dikurnia

dan mungkin apa yang berlaku dulu
mungkin kerana mentahnya usia
mungkin kerana terikutkan hati
yang mudah terusik
yang mudah terluka
yang mudah menghukum

maaf,
jika kau rasa itu salahku
atau dia
atau mereka
maaf jika kau rasa malam itu
seolah dituju untukmu
seolah berdas-das peluru ditembak ke dadamu
maafkan aku

niatku satu cuma
cuma ingin memperkata
apa yang tersimpan kemas di lubuk jiwa
ingin menegur silap yang nampak di mata

maafkan.

missing

sometimes you just can't help but miss the times when the broken pieces seem to fall back perfectly in place.

the times when you could still smile and laugh in the midst of struggles and fears

the people who could always cheer you up

who would always be there to listen even at 12 am

the people who actually care

the people whom you love without needing reasons why

16 will always be my lucky number.

K1 1415,

always.

happy birthday

last night I saw you
somewhere in the crowd
you and your guitar
you wearing a black shirt
a gold necktie
your hair styled well

i didn't look much
but you sure looked impressive

I wish last night could've been better
Perhaps I should've taken a photo with you

But I heard that you've moved on
I heard you've met another
I heard you really liked her

I can't describe
How much I wish I was her
I can't comprehend
The feelings that still linger

You're turning 17 today
And if it's true that you're with her
I'm glad you're happy
I'm glad you're loved
On your seventeenth birthday.

Happy birthday, from someone who still hasn't moved on.

Cheers. X.

--

dan
masihkah seperti dahulu
engkau dan aku
tak ada yang kan merubahnya

dan
masihkah kau mencari mimpi
mimpi kau dan aku
tak ada yang kan merubahnya



kerna hingga saat ini
bila kau kembali nanti
aku tetap di sini
menantikanmu.

masa pun berlalu,
buat aku tertanya....................................

to; you

And to you I say
I swear till this very day
Your breathtaking smile
And your ever so beautiful eye
Still haunt me
And make me smile
And cry

You don't have a clue
Of how much I've missed you
You couldn't possibly know
How I love you more than I could show

You were so close to being perfect
So creative, so talented
So young, so bright
So fun, full of light

I miss those days when I could still see you everyday
Steal glances at you, watching you laugh and smile
Watching you from a distance as you play
Laughing mirthlessly and shouting at your mates
You are cool, I admit
Young and lively, full of energy
Handsome and charming
Undeniably heart-capturing

You would probably never know
But it's OK, I'd be fine just keeping my feelings low

Permata.

I know nobody might read this, but it's okay; it's comforting enough for me to at least pour out my feelings here.

I was a part of the PERMATApintar community until last year. Until the day I decided to leave.
I am sorry, really sorry for leaving. But then, my departure certainly does not mean that Permata is not good for me. I have my own reasons for leaving.

To everyone I have met and known during my days at Permata, thank you for everything. For the precious, everlasting memories. For the laughter we shared, and the smiles we exchanged. For the photos we took together. For the ups and downs throughout 2014.

Permata changed me a lot. For the better, I hope. But alas I had to leave, I had to pick out my priorities. I love Permata and everyone there so much, almost as much as I love myself. All of you makes up a big part of me. I am who I am right now because of you guys. I know better now, because of you guys.

Everyday I wake up wishing I was still there, a member of the community. Praying together, listening to talks together. Going for breakfast with my closest group of friends, walking to class with my classmates. Learning interactively. Creating memories which I could still remember clearly till this very day. Completing assignments, working on videos and presentations together. I really miss those days.

K1, you guys have no idea how much I wish I am still the sixteenth member of 5K1. I miss each and every single one of you, from Adilah to Syazana. I miss those days when we would laugh at Hakiim's jokes, when we would make fun of each other, when we would randomly play "silent killer", when we would stay up all night finishing our assignments. When we would take lots and lots of selfies. Thank you so much for those memories. Thank you for teaching me a lot of things about life. Thank you for making me feel accepted, and welcomed. Thank you for everything.

Erudites, thank you for accepting me as a part of you guys. I'm sorry I left without saying anything, but please always know that I will always be a part of Erudite, and all of you Erudites will always have a special place in my heart. You guys taught me the meaning of being independent and selfless, how to care for your friends though you might have to sacrifice yourself in order to do so. You guys make me realise that true friendship isn't built on mutual interests or compatibility; instead it is built of acceptance. Thank you so much, Erudites.

Prodigies, you guys were such wonderful seniors to us, and Xanthrons as well. Congratulations on your superb results; you guys totally deserved it. You guys inspire me every single day, even until now. The friendship or more like brother/sisterhood that you guys still maintain till this day make me wonder if I would ever have such relationship with anyone. Thank you for the sacrifices, Prodigies. And thanks also, for the advices. All the best for your coming days, may Prodigies all shine as bright as the stars. And I will always be the little girl who admire your sparkles, the mark you have left upon us. Thank you for everything.

Xanthrons, you guys have plenty of time left in Permata, I know. Be sure to treasure each and every single second of it. Make use of the time you have left. Be strong. Stay strong. Please be better than any of us has ever been, because by the time you guys will be "ruling" Permata, you have experienced being "ruled" by four batches of students' council, and you will have learnt a lot of lessons. Take care. Best of luck to you guys.

I will always be a part of Permata. Always, till the very end.

- An ex-student of PERMATApintar Gifted Centre 2014

Lonely

They say
You never realize what you had
Until it's gone

They say
You may be sad
But you'll never be alone

But in times like this
I crave for friends
Those who actually listen
Those who actually
                                                 
                                           C A R E.


I miss the other fifteen halves of me
Who used to make every day of my life
Brighter, and happier.

exhausted

hi.

The school term has started for almost a month now, and I am still adjusting to the new, unfamiliar environment. As expected, most people bombarded me with questions; 

why? you were better off there, why did you return? what's wrong? have they been cruel to you? is it not fun studying there? why, are they racists? how do you guys learn over there? what happened?

The first week was a torture; enduring questions from teachers in every lesson and stares from juniors who knew me before I transferred weren't easy. Answering those inquiries were harder. It's like trying not to tell the truth without actually lying.

The second week was better, apparently people got tired of asking questions. But there were already piles of homework waiting to be completed and submitted, one after another. And then there's the responsibility of being the chairperson/president of this one extra-curricular club, arranging activities for meetings and such. Life got more and more tiring by the day.

I don't know why I'm writing this when I have AddMaths exercise to finish. Goodnight.

you

We meet again, today, after two months.

You didn't change much. Still tall and handsome, with that familiar smirk plastered on your face. Two months ago, I did not expect that this will happen. Leaving wasn't easy. It never was. Especially leaving a group of friends whom I love as much as my own siblings, and you, a guy I have been catching feelings for, since January last year.

You were wearing that blue baju Melayu, the one you always wore. I did not catch your eye today, like I usually did, but this time it did not matter. Seeing you in front of me, living, talking, smiling, is more than enough. I miss you more than words could express, but alas, there is no one to blame but me.

I wanted to take a photo with you, just the two of us, knowing that the next time we meet, everything would probably be very different. But I denied myself that opportunity, reminding myself that if I do that, I'd spill the beans on myself. Instead we took class selfies together, and you stood beside me, smiling to the camera. It was such a beautiful feeling, having you around, though only for minutes.

My friends told me that you might have known that I like you, but you chose to keep your silence. Is that true? Because I thought you didn't. I honestly thought that you did not know about my feelings for you. Because I am pretty sure I treated you the same way I treated the other guys. I scolded you, shouted at you at times, didn't I? But did you really realize that despite all that, I do like you more than anything?

I like you, I really do. I'd love to tell you, but I know I shouldn't.

Classmates.

Classmates. Aku rindu. Sumpah aku rindu.

I was scrolling through my Instagram feed when I saw a video posted by a fellow ex-schoolmate of mine. In that video was my two ex-classmates, dancing (more like practicing) dance moves from the song "Best Song Ever" by 1D. One of them spoke halfway through the video, and pain hits me in the chest like it has never did. I did not realize how much I missed them, till now. I did not realize how much I want to be there instead of being here, till now. The juniors are going to register tomorrow and they're making preparations for them. And I'm stuck here. Alone.

I feel empty, incomplete. I miss them a lot. School started a week ago and not a day goes by that I don't wish to be there instead of here. I kept wondering why did I leave. I kept thinking, and thinking, and thinking. I don't know what to feel. My current classmates are wonderful enough except for one or two people, but my previous ones feel like siblings. I don't know, man. I still remember those nights we stayed up late finishing tasks; those nights felt like yesterday and now here I am, miles away from them. I left them; the people who stuck with me throughout so many things just last year. I don't know. I'm probably just stupid. And selfish.

A close friend of mine lost her dad just a few days ago. Her dad has been sick for ages, and he was hospitalized since last December. It was so unexpected. She's still so young, and she's the eldest. And at that very moment I am miles away from her, miles and miles away, and I couldn't be there for her. I feel so useless, so wasted. She's my friend, she'll always be one. She's always so hyper and active and enthusiastic and anxious....hahaha. I miss her. I miss them. I miss everyone.